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Happy? Sad? Sigh.
Friday, February 29, 2008 5:31 AM
Half a year has just past.
It's the sixth month, my dear. D':
There's a million and one things I wanna blog here, but guess... I'd rather not.
It's... just too confidential. Perhaps I'd just tell him personally. :(

These six months...
What actually have I done to baby other than upsetting him? D':
Sigh, I wanted to turn over a new leaf after the G accident lah which happened about a year ago.
But... I just can't get over that feeling lah. So... despondent :(

G was my most ever loved person.
Everything he did or gave to me, I kept them nicely in a huge box.
They were so important and precious.
Whenever I'm feeling low or missing him,
I'd just take a look at those memories or cuddle the V-day teddy bear he gave to me.
He meant so much, more importantthan anything else in the world.
But who knows?
One day, oh nono. I should say, one fine and normal day, we broke.
Yes. We just broke.

I'm not chagrined to tell you why.
He's just being so facetious.
A flirt.

Which girl can stand her boyfriend to be a flirt? I ask you.
The worst is, you caught him red handed.
Tell me how you feel when you put yourself in my shoes.
Ha-ha. Feel sympathetic and commiserative already?

Nono, my dear. It's heart wrenching.
You could just hear your fragile little heart smashed down from a 100th storey building.
Million fragments and pieces obtained after that.
And nono, you've to pick them up yourself and glue them back into place.
It takes hours to glue them back properly.
But.. those pieces can never hold well together again.
They are seriously hurt and any little incident that triggers
that emotion that you stored earlier will of course, breaks that
heart away into pieces again.

And the cycle repeats itself frequently.

I apologise for the sensitive heart I have.
I'm just an ordinary girl; a human being.
I don't need a perfect love. Nor a perfect mate.
I just need love from you, that's all.

Is that so hard to achieve?

I don't mind breaking a few more hearts just to retain your love for me.
I don't mind waiting for you to come back.
I don't mind anything.
Because I loved you.

But why do you have to kill my heart?

I abade your orders and agreements of anything you desired.
I even took photography lessons just to pair up with you.
I helped you with everything that you're unfamiliarized with.
Don't you know whatever I've done, it's all because I loved you?
I tried my best to give in to everything.

Could you ever spared any thought, just for me?
Just even awhile?
No, you didn't.
Not at all.

By now, my heart has already broken.
No, it's dead. Literally dead.
Dead right at the moment when I saw it.

Blame on my naviety.
Blame on my adolescence.
All these were accumulated and resulted in my sensitivity of my heart now..

But I really want to thank God for giving my angel in disguise-
Riduan baby when I suffered that year.

Dearest baby,
Thanks for being there for me.
Thanks for letting me knows that what's a true love is.
Thanks for the love you showered constantly.
Thanks for being so truthful,faithful and understanding to me.
And most importantly, thank you for loving me ever so deeply.

I'm sorry for all the things I've done that upsetted you so deeply for these 6 months.
I'm really sorry, alright?
My heart is no longer strong enough to withstand all these emotions anymore.
I'll just break down instantly when I get emotional.
That's why I always find fault in you.
It's not that I wanted to make you jealous when I mention N.
It just reminds me of G when he does that to me.
Perhaps I wanted some kind of revenge, and I took it on you..
I wanted to see other people's reaction...
Guess I was being infantile.
I didn't realised this after you blogged.

Dear, give me a chance to make it up to you okay?

& All these I've done, it's all because I love you, Riduan.
Happy sixth month, once again.
We'll last as long as the time ends, my dear. :')